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The Day the Hard Collar Died – a tribute song

“The Day the Hard Collar Died” (A musical tribute parody)
(sung to music of “American Pie” by Don Mclean)

[Intro]
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that hard collar used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my dance
That I would collar those people given half the chance
And maybe I’d be happy for a while

But February made me shiver
With every hard collar I’d deliver
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn’t move my bloody neck

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read the latest ILCOR guide
But something touched me deep inside
The day the hard collar died

[Chorus:]
So bye, bye, This Hard Collar Lie
It never did any good so don’t ask me why
And them good ole boys were having a good cry
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Hard Collar dies
This’ll be the day that I die

[Verse 1]
Did you write the ATLS book of love
And do you have faith in God above
If the Trauma Bible tells you so?
Now do you believe that hard collars work?
Can they save your bloody pork?
And can you teach me how to resus real slow?

Well, I know that you’re in love with them
‘Cause I saw you practising in the sim
You both kicked off your shoes
Man, I dig those patients going blue, woooo

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink hard collar in the ambo truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the Hard Collar died

[Chorus:]
I started singing bye, bye, This Hard collar Lie
It never did any good so don’t ask me why
Them good ole boys were having a good cry
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Hard Collar dies
This’ll be the day that I die

[Verse 2]
Now for 30 years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone
But that’s not how it used to be
When ATLS sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me

Oh, and while the king was looking down
ATLS stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No common sense ever returned

And while we read a book on dogma
ILCOR practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the Hard Collar died

[Chorus:]
We were singing bye, bye, to This Hard Collar Lie
It never did any good so don’t ask me why
Them good ole boys were having a good cry
Singin’ this’ll be the day the Hard collar dies
This’ll be the day that I die

[Verse 3]
Helter skelter in a summer swelter
HEMS flew off to get some shelter
Eight miles high and falling fast
It landed safely on the grass
The rescuers tried for a forward pass
With the ATLS on the sidelines in a cast

Now the resus bay was sweet perfume
While the nurses played a trauma tune
We all got up to dance
Oh, but we never got the chance

‘Cause the ambos tried to take the field
The HEMS crew refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Hard Collar died?
[Chorus:]

We started singing bye, bye, to this Hard Collar Lie
It never did any good so don’t ask me why
Them good ole boys were having a good cry
And singin’ this’ll be the day that bloody collar dies
This’ll be the day that I die

[Verse 4]
Oh, and there we were all in one place
A Prehospital generation lost in space
With no time left to start again
So come on, lets  be nimble, lets be quick
Hard collars just make me sick
‘Cause they are the devil’s only friend

Oh, and as I watched hard collars take the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No Ambo born in Hell
Could break the Hard collars spell

And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I was laughing with delight
The day the Hard Collar died

[Chorus:]
I was singing bye, bye, to this Hard collar Lie
It never did any good so don’t ask me why
Them ATLS boys are having a good cry
And singin’ this’ll be the day the Hard collar will die
This’ll be the day that I die

[Outro]
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the resus bay
Where I’d heard seen the hard collar years before
But the nurse there said no one wanted to play

And in the streets, the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The ambulance sirens were all broken

And the three men I admire most
The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost
They caught the chopper for the coast
The day the Hard Collar Died

[Chorus:]
And they were singing bye, bye, to this Hard collar white lie
It never did good so please don’t ask me why

And them good ATLS boys are having a cry

Singin’ this’ll be the day the Hard Collar dies
This’ll be the day that I die

[Chorus:]
They were singing bye, bye, my Hard collar lie
It never did good so why the hell why

Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey to cry

And singin’ this’ll be the day the Hard Collar dies

 

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. You mate are brilliant…and weird. Kudos.

    November 25, 2015
  2. Mar #

    This is magnificent. Thank you so much. Oh, and please – somebody please record this!

    November 27, 2015

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